The AugLog
Derek's Memorable Moments


Derek: That was rather dramatic, is this #soapopera?

Derek: OH MY DEAR SWEET SHEEP-HERDING JEBUS!

KovaaK: ur self conscious about stupid stuff
* KovaaK proceeds to whack it
Derek: WTF!!!
Derek: STFU HORNY GAYMANS!
Derek: I AM NOT GAY!!!!
Derek: I may look like a woman but I AM NOT GAY
Derek: Damn picture, now i get all the woman jokes

Derek: Iii feel veryyyyy camlm
Derek: Things are goo din the land of the munchkin.

Derek: scales say "please step on scale"
Derek: and i'm on them.
KovaaK: ignore Derek, he is on cough syrup
Derek: No i'm not!
Derek: Oh wait, yes I am
Derek: But I assure yu it has no effect

Derek: STFU! I AM ON COUGH SURYU

Derek: I'm going to make myself a website, and I'm going to put a paper bag over my head.

Derek: shyer-- (shy-uhr) to be more shy

Derek: Oh this is not good
Derek: I'm hearing voices
Seksi-KovaaK: nope
Derek: nobody is here, and i'm hearing vioces
Seksi-KovaaK: that would be classified as bad
Derek: they're coming from my fan
Derek: what the hell? han gon
Derek: turned out to be a dog barking, my fan was chopping the sound, it sounded real

Derek: For those who think i'm sexy...
* Derek just took off his shirt

Derek: thinks are so much funnier with cough suryop!
KovaaK: do you mean thoughts or things
Derek: i'm laughhing my ass off at everyighhhhhn

Derek: i feel dizzy. just a little bit, and that makes things even funnier
Derek: hahahah.
Derek: mule :>
Derek: My everglide is being angry! I must wash its non existent mouth out with soup!
Derek: Soap.

Derek: FEAR MY SENSE OF PUNS, ITS PUN PUN PUN BY THE TON TON TON
Lurker: phear the gayness and lack of a sense of humor
Derek: No way man, I am funny man

KovaaK: maybe hes whacking it after i sent him ur pic
Derek: i hope he's whacking to the fake me and not the real me
Derek: because tha ....
Derek: Hell, its gross either way, nevermind.

Derek: I just have really long hands and fingers
Derek: Women like long, slender fingers.

Derek: Man, do I suck with pig

Derek: For all of you who think I am hot
Derek: I AM WEARING NOTHING BUT A TOWEL
Derek: and since Im so thin its nearly FALLLING OFF
* Derek gyrates his hips slowly

* Derek giggles

* Derek practices licking the air.

* Derek does the chicken dance
Derek: bawk bawk!

* Derek FUCKS ANYTHING THAT WILL ALLOW ITS SELF TO BE FUx0red BUT ALAS THERE IS NONE HUMANS
Derek: and animals dont take well to fux0ring
Derek: I am so very lonely.

Derek: I have a friend named Kyle --  he's six foot five
Derek: I come up to his nipples... which comes in handy.

KovaaK: [23:33] Derek: im soooooo horny, oh do me kov
Derek: ... I DIDN OT SAY THAT!
Derek: ill prove it, kov sent me this
Derek: Kovaak: <25:33< I'm gonns make up things, they'll believe it, fags
Derek: See! He's a flaming liar
KovaaK: You could at least type a fake message right next time derek
Derek: ....
Derek: leave me alone =/

Derek: okay, my big daddy
Derek: hugs and kisses

Derek: I DO NOT HAVE BREASTS
Derek: NOT EVEN MAN BREASTS
Derek: Well, little tiny pecs... but NOT BREASTS
KovaaK: then what was this about
KovaaK: [19:39] Derek: For those who think i'm sexy.....
KovaaK: [19:39] * Derek just took off his shirt
Derek: WHERE ARE YOU GTTING THIS SHIT
Derek: Do you have logs of EVERYTHING I *didnt* say!

Derek: I just got lucky
Derek: www.hotguys.com
Derek: OH GOD NO DONT YOU DARE PUT THAT IN THE LOGS
Derek: DONT!
KovaaK: funny that you should know that
Derek: Oh fuck!  No, uh, I didnt.. uhm
Derek: No, nevermind
Derek: this is dereks cousin sam
Derek: hi

Derek: Sleep is for the weak
Derek: I thikn I need some sleep
KovaaK: weak woman?

Derek: Damnit, you better not be masturbating to my pictures again!

Derek: that guy is so sexy
Derek: Damn swedes, be less sexy
Derek: IM NOT GAY 

Derek: Those social anxiety drug commercials talk fast so you wont hear the side effects
Derek: maycauserapidincontrollablebowelmovementsmigraineheadachesincontenencevomitingnausea
Derek: That's about how fast they read it

Derek: I wonder if I was born a woman and the doctors changed me or something
Derek: I'm small, thin, and emotional

Derek: My testicles retracted into my body so far that I choked on them

  **Note: "Slave" is a chat robot.
Derek: Slave please admit you're a dumbfuck
* @Slave admits you're a dumbfuck.
Derek: ....
Derek: gg bot
Derek: 0-1
* Derek has quit IRC. <Reason: beaten>

Derek: My mom is hot, stfu
[TLB]SUiCidAL: can we see a pic of your mom derek?
Derek: not*
Derek: My mom is not** oh jebus that's the worst typo in history

Derek: He absolutely PLONKERFLICKED chanserv
Lurker: Plonkerwhat?
KovaaK: i dunno... all that im thinking of is that derek must be on cough syrup again
Derek: I AM MY OWN MAN 

Derek: Dont you hate it when you're fucking a sheep and it bites you in the scrotum?
Derek: that hurts baaa-aaa-aaad

  **NOTE : It is October of 2000
Derek: hahahahaha funny man kovaak! no it was veyr old robitussin
Derek: I wouldnt take it bu you cant buy shit that strrong anymore
Derek: this is ... let me see the able
Derek: it says expire OCT 1995
KovaaK: mmm
Derek: So its been like 5 years and a month 
   **NOTE, again, it is October.

Derek: THATS IT ITS GARY COLEMAN TIME
Derek: WHERE IS WEBSTERS

Derek: You damn british nasty-teethed speller! Fuck your colours, its color,
       and fuck your moniter, its monitOR

Derek: I want to discover a dinosaur JUST to name it the Roxosaurus rox.
Derek: "Thats not proper Latin, sir."
Derek: "FUCK YOU"
Derek: I'd change my name to roxo     just to DEAL WITH THE RULES OF NOMENCLATURE

Derek: I was just mastur..... playing diablo 2 in the shower

Derek: I'm a BABE MAGNET
Derek: I'm just the south pole of the magnet and all the girls are also the south pole
Kovaak: just oned urselfsur

*** Derek is now known as zzzzzzzzzDerek_stillseksies
Kovaak: seksies?
zzzzzzzzzDerek_stillseksies: stfu zzzzzzzzzzz
Kovaak: :P

derek_w0rk: MOST RAP = CRAP FROM MORONS WHO WERE NOT "EDUMACATED"

Derek: With his pants all about his ankles....... waddling like a homosexual penguin......

Derek: only the higher primates masturbate
Derek: Which means I'm pretty far up there
Derek: But women must be smarter than men because they use tools for that...

* @Derek shakes kovaaks hand
Kovaak: you dont want to do that... heh
Derek: yuckkkkkk
Derek: why did i automatically think that? you could have just eaten an onion or something
Kovaak: hahahha
Derek: DAMNIT, introspection blows

*** BOOT was kicked by Derek <I just felt like kicking someone... 
sorry, and a person named Boot being Booted... the irony was just too delicious>.

Kovaak: why is it cl_gayness and not cg_gayness, shouldnt it be a "dont ask dont tell" policy where
        only the client who has it needs to know?
Derek: this aint the military
Kovaak: i still think "dont ask dont tell" is a good policy
Derek: The administrator needs to know whether to watch his / her ass respectively

Derek: you have friends in real life??
Derek: I wish I did........

Derek: I wanted to go to Sweden :/
Derek: With my luck, I'd go, and it would turn out Xenon is a tour guide part time
Derek: And he'd remember that quote, and he'd BE GAY!! And I'd blush and run away.

Derek: I need to wash my hands, I have tissue on them

Derek: biotch..... midwestside.....

Derek: I never get... er..... I am never lucky
Kovaak: heh... well-said

Kovaak: derek is probably on cough syrup... he's hallucinating
Derek: I dont hallcuion! hallcuoin!   HALL U CCIN ATT
Derek: HAL U CIN ATE
Kovaak: keys moving around on your keyboard, derek?
Derek: there FROGURT! I want sodium benzoate
Derek: no they are all black because I SPRAWPAINTED THEM!
Kovaak: oh... kay...
Derek: Ihahah i am laughing

 **Note: Power-Xi is a very big guy
Power-Xi: nah i have a diff site
Derek: THATS NICE WAS IT WWW.FEELPOWERxisCLIT.com?
Derek: I'd pay for that one

Derek: YOU DIND TONW ME MY MOM CAME HOM!
Derek: AND YOU WERE AIM BOTSORING!
Derek: AND WEAPON FAKESORIG!
Derek: HE MADE ME BRING PUMMEL AND Then he RUN AN RAIL ME! WT
Derek: SHE UPT I WAS .... I WAS ON PHNE!
[TLB]SUiCidAL: he railed you...with a 615+ ping...
Derek: HE RAIL ME ONC AN IT WAS IUCKY the ohter he TRIXORED Me
Kovaak: if i had any clue what the hell that meant, i would say something
Derek: He tRIXKED me         into cauntlet
Derek: and then he PUT AWAY heis gauntel and RAIL ME when i IN M UNDERWEAR
[TLB]SUiCidAL: hahahahahahahahaahaaaoalaolaollllololhahahahahahlaolhahaha
*** [TLB]SUiCidAL was kicked by Derek <SHUT UP! SOR>

Derek: I DEMAND A RECUNT!!!!!!!!!!:::::

Derek: I'm sorry... I'm a bastard child.
* @Caesar slaps Derek

Kovaak: im setting ur picture as my background derek
Derek: NO
Kovaak: just kidding =>
Derek: You better be.
Derek: Or else you need help, not only for being homosexual...
Derek: But for having HORRIBLE HORRIBLE taste in men

Derek: Xenon is sexybitch and Immortal was in some gay mans magazine

Derek: same with pubic hair....... they always fall off and get in your eye

Derek: I imagined myself sitting in a clear plastic inflatable chair with my pants around 
       my ankles, getting it on with a clear plastic water weenie.

Derek: I AM THE WRECKING BALL OF THE ROOM... I DESTROY ALL CONVERSATION
KovaaK: hes very efficient, would you take him for $40? $50???
Derek: TAKE WHO?
KovaaK: Well, guess what
Derek: WHAT, I CANT GUESS
KovaaK: we have Derek for the low low price of $30!
Derek: Have me for what, SORRY IM NOT GAY
KovaaK: free shipping
var`suicidal: i'll buy him. he can bring me sodas.
Derek: No, sorry.
KovaaK: SOLD
Derek: Um. No. NO. I am not a slave.
var`suicidal: yes you are
Derek: No I'm not.
var`suicidal: look at the tattoo on your ankle... it's your slave number
Derek: Oh my god. Dude, Okay, I'm being serious here
Derek: Last night I had an itch on my ankle, and I scratched it to hell
Derek: And seriously, I have big red marks on my ankle
Derek: HOW IRONIC, IT LOOKS LIKE A BAR CODE....
Derek: I SHOULD BECOME THE STAR OF A STUPID ACTION SHOW WHERE I AM A WOMAN THAT BEATS PEOPLE UP
Derek: I'll call it "DORK ANGEL"
KovaaK: this has reinspired me to continue funny.txt
Derek: YOU SHOULD because im SO FUCKIN FUNNY it'd be a FUCKING SHAME TO THE HISTORY OF HILARITY not to
KovaaK: er... k
Derek: Yer damn skippy, poncho.

Derek: Watching fish do loopdy loops is fun

Derek: EVERY DAY IS A PENIS DAY WHEN YOU ARE DEREK

Derek: Nobody better piss me off
Derek: I have this deeply-disturbed, "i'm going to kill you" look I can dish out
Derek: I've made a man twice my size back up in fear with it
KovaaK: derek, type strat :P
Derek: starat.  starta
Derek: FUCK YOU 
  **Note: Derek promptly messaged me this following line-[17:44] *Derek* Fag.

Derek: I woke up, andI think I was beating up my pillow...

* SLinG will brb...spanking it prolly
Derek: prolly?
Derek: Hi, my name is sling
Derek: I dont know if I'm going to spank off or not
Derek: Maybe I'll be able to get it up
Derek: Maybe not
Derek: I dont know, because my name is sling

Derek: His parents call him "The Little Raisin Boy"
Derek: Because his testicles resemble them.

Derek: thanks for thinking im cool, but seriously, im not "needy" or "inexperienced" or 
Derek: "doing the little quote thingie" with my "fingers"
Derek: YES I AM 18, IM A "LATE BLOOMER" WHICH MEANS MY DICK IS HUGE

* Derek unfs tux
Derek: OH GOD, OH GOD, YES, FUCK ME, WADDLE THAT PENGUIN WADDLE, OH GOD, OH GOD. OHHHHHHHHHHH
Derek: Linux truly is a superior operating system.

Derek: Ice cream should have prizes in every can
Derek: You know like .... cracker jacks
Derek: Put a fuckin plastic horse in there and i'd buy more ice cream
Derek: then though you'd have the little kids digging all the ice cream out for the prize.....
Derek: i suppose that could be a mess
Derek: i guess the icecream companies already thought this out
Derek: gg ben and jerry

punch: Fleet Farm..... what a shithole
Derek: indeed. but they sell cow-sized drugs
Derek: all you have to do is walk up to the counter and say
Derek: "hey y'all, i be a farmer, how bout them hog prices eh?"
Derek: and they'll sell you the cow-sized drugs.
Derek: not that i've tried them      MOOOOOOO MOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Derek: GIVE ME HAY GIVE ME HAY GIVE ME HAY
Derek: what? where am i?

JeDD: spanish people understand statements like "ah and huh and ok"
Derek: I know! In porn from foreign countries I've found it interesting many of them say 
       "ah, yes, yeah, oh fuck!"

Waldo: Who wants a file? One meg!
Derek: SHUT UP
Derek: WE FOUND YOU ALREADY WALDO
Derek: YOUR SERIES IS DEAD
Derek: GO AWAY

  **Note: "BlaqBot" is a chat robot.
Derek: bad boy is <reply> My bad =<
Derek: bad boy, blaqbot!
BlaqBot: Derek's bad =&alt
Derek: oh my god, i got owned
[DJ]SaTaN: hahahahah
Derek: That was gay, a bot owned me

Derek: WOULD YOU LIKE TO LICK MY YUM YUM

Derek: my # is 425-534-0734 i eat kittens.

Derek: My phone # is 425-534-0734 and I like rainy days and small animals

Derek: I wish I had a kangaroo... but with my luck, it'd have its way with me while I was sleeping.
Derek: Or I'd wake up in its pouch..... eeeeeeew... slimy...

Derek: urge to kill... rising
*** riz`afK has quit IRC <Quit: Leaving>
Derek: FEAR ME

Derek: I think *I* need a breast pump

Derek: i log myself now
Derek: im like a gay man fucking himself

Derek: I have no sister.
Derek: All African-American women are, of course, my "sistas," but I have no biological ones.

snak0rfonic: that rifle wasn't very accurate
Derek: *MY* rifle is accurate.... 
* Derek swivels his hips
snak0rfonic: :o    k,wellgoodnight!
*** snak0rfonic has quit IRC <Quit: -_->
Derek: GOOD NI...
Derek: well at least stay aroudn long enough for me to say goodnight asshole
Derek: i retract my goodnight and shove it up your ass

* Derek laughs and frollicks in the daisies

Derek: oh well, i had FUN!
Derek: I got TEN FAGS!
Derek: frags!
Derek: frags!
Derek: frags..... oh god its useless, you all know i'm gay by now

Derek: i need to be cuddled
* eM[Celt cuddles with derek
eM[Celt: any bball pickups goin on?
Derek: yeah, there's one in my pants =>

eM[Celt: where do u think vikings went in midevil times?!? eurupe??
Derek: NO, THEY WENT TO MINNESOTA. THEY PLAY ON OUR FOOTBALL TEAM
eM[Celt: i dont do drugs really no more
Derek: Well, drug use would certainly explain that grammar.

-ChanServ- [Global Notice] ETG will be down momentarily for repair. Apologies for the inconvenience.
Derek: Shut the fuck up, ChanSerf
Derek: Yeah you heard me
Derek: ChanSERF
Derek: As in a peasant
   **Five minutes of complete silence later...**
Derek: MY JOKES MAY ALL FLY OVER YOUR LITTLE HEADS, BUT YOU COULD AT LEAST TRY AND LAUGH

Derek: I saw Kov in a porn once -- Meaty Men with Monstrous Members, Part 2
Derek: Best not to ask.

shad0w`kruthles: Glock you gotta get me one of those pre made meals
Derek: MRE's? Meals Ready to Eat?
Derek: I slapped an MRE sticker on my dick once
Derek: Didn't work, the girls didnt fall for it

Derek: THE MONKEY IN MY PANTS HAS SPOKEN AND GIVEN ME HEAD

Derek: Everyone should swallow a goldfish someday -- makes you feel like a dirty slut.
Derek: I AM NOT A FISHFUCKER!

Derek: If I were a girl I'd be a hardcore feminist lesbo

Derek: FEER MY LUSCIOUS RED HIGHLIGHTED HAIR MOTHERFUCKER

Derek: I should jam my wang so far up his pie hole he’d be eating pie for a month

Derek: I’m afraid of him... he wants to milk me like a cow from my firm, hanging teets

Derek: I'm literally on top of this guy.

Derek: I GOT SHAM FUCKING POO IN MY EYE! It STINGS!
var`suicidal: poo?
Derek: no, sham fucking poo
Derek: I went to put it on my head, but I put it in my eye by accident...
Derek: I pretty much squirted it in my hand, and then slopped it all right into my eye.
Derek: I'm really smooth, you know?

Derek: He looks like a pig.
Derek: I was afraid he'd oink at me and try to dig in my pants for truffles.

Wipe0ut: you do make a very nice woman though
Derek: i know =)
* Derek unstraps his bra

Derek: HEY CAN SOMEBODY SUCK MY ICK

Derek: I wonder if you can lose your virginity to a tree?
kruthles: I think so
Derek: “Honey, It turns out I lost my virginity to an Oak tree when I was 14, sorry.”
Glock[Mosh]: most guys try a sock or their hand, not derek, he fucks a live oak
Derek: I've always been picky.
Derek: that tree always made me act all "sappy."
Derek: I "got wood"
Derek: I was just “stumped” about sex.
Derek: What can I say? I was "board"
Derek: I just wanted to "plant my seed"
Derek: I didn’t want to “leave.”
Derek: I must have been "barking up the wrong tree" though
Wipe0ut: omg derek hahahaa

Derek: You'd be amazed how hard it is to type while sucking on someone's finger

*** pickle has joined #mngamers
Derek: TICKLE PICKLE AND I’LL GIVE YOU A DIME

Derek: Imagine two hot, naked men going at it...

SLinG: i am sek-c, just ask derek
Derek: Sling is indeed sek-c
Derek: Heh, if I had to be in a sling
Derek: it'd be him
Derek: HAHAHHAA
Derek: oh god that was so fucking horrible

Derek: there are like 5 places in the house to suck your dick

Derek: I am 100% straight
Derek: Just a little flamboyant

Derek: I want you all to hunt me down and kill me. 

var`suicidal: You know who every 8 year old boy wanted?
Derek: bambi, definitely bambi
var`suicidal: Punky Brewster.
Derek: i thought punky brewster was an ugly little bitch
var`suicidal: maybe
Derek: i wanted bambi, and the female squirrel from sword in the stone

Derek: DONT MAKE ME COME OVER THERE WITH A SPORK AND SPATULA

Derek: Adam, are you a girlscout?
AH|Wipe0ut: no i graduated from girl scouts, silly
* AH|Wipe0ut does the girl scout salute
Derek: you're a womanscout now
AH|Wipe0ut: not quite, i don't have tits yet
Derek: GIRL [scout] YOULL BE A WOMAN [scout] SOON......
Derek: SOON.... YOU'LL MEET A MAN [scout]...

Derek: THEY CALL ME DONGMASTER DEREK

Derek: god i'm out of it like a norwegian in a skincolor competition

Derek: All the female pop singers are cheap sluts... they spread as easy as butter

Derek: I really don't like this long nickname guy too much so far
*** [o_o]Lo_S3|F_EsT33]V[ (Shinto@209.32.227.189.dul.nc.chartermi.net) has left #mngamers
Derek: LOL
AH|Wipe0ut: powar
* Derek flexes
* AH|Wipe0ut feers Derek

Derek: One time, I wrapped a rubberband around my ear and it ended up blinding me in my left eye.
KI|suicidal: ... 
Derek: Okay, that never happened.

Derek: MY PENIS IS A VERY LARGE Q-TIP

Derek: The chances of me getting anthrax is less than the chance of me falling out of bed,
       and waking up with my penis firmly inserted into some mysterious vagina.

Derek: You're so fat, you went and got your blood pressure taken and the doctor said it was "DAMN"

Derek: Someone is asking me why I just spammed several rooms
Derek: I told them I have "internet tourette's syndrome"
Derek: YES FUCKIN YOU IN THE FUCK ASS FUCK!
Derek: GO TO HELL ANDFr AND *bark* ASFIHAOFHO!
Derek: but i was just joking.

 ** Note: The acronym "TMI" ordinarily means "Too Much Information"
Derek: au touche, my dick is standing out of my pants as we speak
Samari: TMI
snak0r: :L
Derek: Too Many Inches
Derek: =>

Derek: I was using Texas as a metaphor for Texas.

UglyFatLoser: Have you fucked her yet?
Derek: I DON'T KNOW

Derek: don't you ever foucking fouger it

Derek: Marijuana IS a drug, dumbass.
Derek: Just like my junk is a drug, cuz it makes the ladies body temp and heart rate go sky high.
Derek: And of course they get addicted and can't get enough.

Derek: If pot were legalized we'd have millions more stoned penguins hobbling around getting run over by cars.

Derek: Do you realize that for perhaps 200 years of our history we spelled s as an f
Derek: "A hiftory of the fouthern hemifphere"
Derek: Think of the consequences for sex talk...
Derek: "Fuck my penif."

Face0rz: sorry you never got the money, i swear i just forgot the stamp
Face0rz: you'll get it next week, i promise... i dont want to get involved in legal action or whatever
Derek: Okay, sounds good... 
Derek: But if I don't get it, the actions won't be legal... and that's a pun.

Derek: Today I realized something hilarious...
Derek: I was checking the stocks at Nasdaq.com, the official Nasdaq index website
Derek: But I made a typo... and I ended up typing Nad saq.com

Derek: I just remembered a dream I had last night...
Derek: I was having sex with some slut, and she said
Derek: "Your wang is big but smooth... it reminds me a lot of David Duchovny's."
Derek: .... maybe I should go now....
**Note: Sadly, the above dream was true.

Derek: When the bottle says "avoid area around eyes," man, you better avoid the area around the eyes.

Derek: I just saw a commercial for Iowa tourism
Derek: Oxymoron like a motherfucker

Derek: My Grandma has fake boobs too, and hers are the old Model T's
Derek: They feel SO unrealistic.

Derek: I wonder why evolution hasn't invented some creature that's sexually attractive to some animals
Derek: Then it could just eat them alive, and they'd think it was just rough sex
Cole: Sometimes, drunk people just don't know when to shut up.
Derek: I'm not drunk!!!!!!!!! I'm just... Derek
Cole: I'm talking about my roommates
Derek: Oh.... hahahaha

Marcy: You are about the only thing that is keeping me from throwing up so its ok
Derek: I feel so special!

Derek: *hug*
Dave: *hug*
Dave: hey sexy
Derek: hey there sexier
Dave: aww, you cutie
Derek: awwww *tongue*
Dave: *pet pet*
Derek: *heavy pet*
Dave: *shudders*  Oh my you have such a magic touch
Dave: You're so strong, yet innocent looking, I feel bad, but in a GOOD way.

Cole: i have more typing errors then anyone i know
Cole: you, rather
Derek: HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
Derek: I hope you appreciate the irony of the conversation that just took place
Cole: shut-up
Derek: >=)

Marcy: denail sucks
Marcy: *denial
Derek: And so does STEPPING on denail!
Derek: hell yeah i'm so fucking smooth
Derek: ROFLREORERLERLFAF at myself

Derek: they know my style by now
Derek: yep, they got me.
Derek: i shouldnt have named myself "diemotherfuckers"

Derek: Hello, welcome to ICQ.
Derek: Do you like three toed sloths?
Marcy: nope, they scare me
Derek: How about two toed sloths?
Marcy: nope
Derek: If there was such thing as a one-toed sloth, would you like it?

Derek: In Russia, car drives you
Eric: In Russia, road forks you
Derek: Haha I laughed so hard it made me choke on something that wasnt in my throat

Derek: I have the Mickey Mouse song in my head, but I have it wrong... I keep thinking
Derek: "M-O-U... K-E-Y... M-O-U-S-E"

Derek: I want my name to be Francine Ucker, and become a nun
Derek: I could be Mother F. Ucker

**Hinting to Martin Pillera that he knows his last name:
Derek: So, Martin... in this time of overprescribed, instant-cure pharmaceuticals, do you
think America has entered a "pill era?"

Derek: i need to make some meth or something... hit a big score of money 
Derek: you KNOW i'd be good at making meth 
Eric: you'd be good at making any illegal drug 
Derek: Awww you're so sweet! 

Derek: u tgubj u  ku  bboa,
Derek: i think i nap now*
Makestro: nice typing derek
Derek: fuck you tinker toy

Derek: I seldom say this to anyone, but.... I think if I were to dress up in full drag 
       with falsies and pads and all, I'd be a fucking HOT STICK OF FEMALE DYNAMITE

Derek: Did you see that? The TV said in HUGE LETTERS, "ORAL SEX, and your kids"
Derek: It was a News at Nine special
Derek: They'll probably say something like, "Kids these days use oral sex as a form of payment or favor, 
       in exchange for things like sandwiches and alcohol."
Derek: "Does your daughter eat bananas? She may actually be practicing oral sex. Does your son eat pears? 
       He may be doing the same."

**asking a Magic 8-Ball questions. It's said "yes" five times**
Derek: 8-Ball, do you ever say No?
Magic8ball: ----The Magic 8-Ball's answer is...----
Magic8ball: No.

Kyle: You give me pimples!
Derek: NO I DONT!!! It's not my fault you don't exfoliate!

Derek: Well, I hope you don't question my sexuality... ...
Derek: but more importantly, do you know of any good brands of shoe?

Mitch: chococat would own you...
Derek: Chococat can suck my chococock

Derek: Your momma so hairy, she got swept up and put in the garbage when she fell asleep at the hair salon

Derek: Mmmm, saccharin.... sweetest of the carcinogens

Carpenter: i think politics are more like MTV
Derek: Naw, if that were true, the guy with the biggest tits would win.

Derek: i bring a good deal of sausage to the party

Tiffany: some day when i have two hands...
Derek: Now you're just trying to turn me on... you know how I love women with two hands!

Derek: The many layers of "SALE" stickers on this block of cheese don't instill confidence in me....

Tiffany: Hmmm my neighbor just died
Derek: Are you going to leave now and attempt to eat his remaining soul to gain his power?

Derek: I was being silly and just joking, but she took it seriously and took a jumbo-sized grab of my ass!

Derek: IM JUST A FAGGOT THAT LIKES TO BANG GIRLS

Derek: I could fuck one of your cousins and be in your family...
Derek: Get it? *IN* your family? get it? huh? huh? *nudge* *wink*	

Derek: yep... it never hurts to dream. except that time i wet my bed and it leaked into the power 
       outlet and i electrocuted myself.

Derek: Have you ever wanted to have sex with a tv weather girl and have her move her hands 
       all over your body and say where the action spots are gonna be?

Derek: i will kill everyone with baby seals that have been frozen into spear shape

Derek: OUR CHILDREN ARE THE CELLULITE ON THE ASS OF TOMORROW

Derek: it'd be funny if a sperm bank had a "going out of business sale"
Derek: ...wow, my trains of thought are really fucked up

Derek: ME, IM JUST A FATTY IN A SKINNY GUYS CLOTHES

Derek: The Iraqis are running wild in the streets...
Derek: NEW ON VIDEO, ARABS GONE WILD! IF YOU THOUGHT ARABS WERE CRAZY BEFORE, JUST WAIT UNTIL THE PARTY GETS 
       STARTED AND THE TOWELS COME OFF! WE EVEN FOLLOW THEM BACK TO THEIR MOSQUES FOR THE HOT ACTION!"

Derek: YOU HAD NERDS SHOW THEIR UNDERWEAR TO WIN A PRIZE
Shiznitt: Bah, yeah - seemed funny at the time
Derek: "It seemed funny at the time?"
Derek: THATS WHAT HITLER SAID ABOUT KILLING ALL THE JEWS

Derek: I like eating lemons and pussy alternately
Derek: I call it: SOURPUSS

 [ several naked girls come on TV ]
Derek: excuse me for a second
Unnamed Girl: sure
Derek: Okay, I'm back...
Derek: There was some programming on the television that interested me.

Derek: Someday I want to find myself a hairy girl that has a little bit of a mustache but doesn't know it, 
       and when she falls asleep I'll try to shave it off. Then she'll wake up, and see me with shaving creme 
       and razor in hand, and I'll yell, "ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!" 

Derek: Your stepdad sucks. you should knock him out and do a stairmaster workout on his fat ass, and then ask 
       if he appreciates the irony of being a "step dad."

Derek: Sex is a great way to break a fever. and fragile ceramic figures.

Derek: Damn that's some nice tits and ass... but she's such a stupid bitch! It makes my brain feel
       angry that my penis doesn't hate her!

Derek: I hate how girls constantly talk about their boyfriends.
Derek: Let Me Tell You About My Wonderful Boyfriend because I'm Really Hot and You Aren't Him

Kyle: is tuna a dolphin or are they seperate for some resaon
Derek: Tuna is absolutely not a dolphin.
Kyle: what is it then, im having an argument
Kyle: tuna is a porpoise righT?
Derek: No. Porpoise are like dolphins. Tuna are like tuna.

Derek: YES I AM A PEDOPHILE, IM HERE, I LEER, GET USED TO IT

Derek: A limp penis is a strange, yet innocent-looking thing... like a baby hamster.

Derek: A dork is a whale's penis, we all know this.
Girl: *blank stare*
Derek: So how am I supposed to call a girl a dork? What's the female equivalent?
Girl: Well, "whales vagina"
Derek: Shut up, whunt

Derek: I didn't want to be a liar. Honesty is the best policy. Always. Lying and making things up are great.
Derek: SHIT
Derek: I meant, they're not good.

Derek: If only he were an acceptably-attractive woman living near me... and, you know, were blind and deaf.
Derek: Pretty much devoid of all the five senses. Except smell.
Derek: And tast--... no, we'll leave that one out.

 [after making a very vulgar comment]
Internet Guy: You're not right, man... just not kosher...
Derek: The day I am kosher is the day that I lie to a Jewish girl in order to get a blowjob.

[discussing a pet]
atomic: Well, I didn't catch her - she belonged to someone, and they abandoned her. She hadn't been fed in weeks.
Derek: That sounds like my ideal situation in which to meet a potential girlfriend.

anonymous: I'm a labia man, myself.
Derek: Wow. Never before have I heard a man describe himself as being "a labia man."
Derek: This interests me. What type of labia do you most prefer? Tight, tiny lips, or flappy, 
       happy wings?
anonymous: Soft, full labia. Happy wings gross me out.
Derek: Would you gently pinch one between your thumb and forefinger, jiggling it a bit and saying 
       in a loving voice, "Awwww you're so cuuuuuute?"
anonymous: No, I'd move them open and shut, drink a glass of water, and sing "Row row row your boat!"
Derek: You could paint the insides of the thighs blue and draw on little wave patterns, glue on some 
       tiny oars fashioned from toothpicks. The woman could then flex her thighs a bit and, using an 
       overhead camera, make it look like a tiny pink man going on a fantastic voyage in a vaginaboat.

Derek: So, I have a question.
Derek: If fat people play with their stomach flab, do they call it "rollplaying?"

Derek: I pee at your pee stream and it more than cancels out your weakass female trickle.
Derek: ...hadoken!!!!!!

RandomPerson: You sound like a very decent sort, and I am sorry your friend had a laps of judgement.
Derek: Laps of judgment. *thinks* 
Derek: Is that like...... mall Santas?

Derek: Man. Because of the internet I cant read "luftwaffle" without making it into "luftwaffle." 
Derek: OH GOD.
Derek: I DID IT RIGHT THERE DIDNT I.

Derek: I'm tired of these Vermont Teddybear Company commercials for Valentine's Day.
Derek: They make me murderous. I want to blow up all of Vermont. 
Ines: Hahahahahha. Booooooom... bear. 
Derek: "Large, unexplained clumps of stuffing have been seen as far as New Hampshire today...." 
Derek: "Experts fear this may be an act of bearrorism." 

Derek: So all it takes for me to piss you off is... to make various animal noises.....?
Derek: Cockadoodledoo!
Derek: Caw! Caw!
Derek: Hissssssssssssssssss
Derek: Oink oink!
Derek: Ribbit!
Ines: HELLO? ARE YOU OKAY?
Derek: Nay!

Derek: I am going to find a video of some girl masturbating and I am going to voiceover whale noises.

Derek: IT TAKES ME SO LONG TO WAKE UP I SWEAR.
Derek: I HAVE TO GET UP AND THEN GET MY BODY MOVING. AND ALSO HAVE TO LET ALL THE GAS OUT OF MY ASS WHICH INEVITABLY BUILDS UP AT NIGHT BUT WHICH WILL ONLY DISLODGE ITSELF THROUGH MOVING WHICH IS AN ASS DUE TO #1
Derek: SO BASICALLY
Derek: I GET UP SIT ON THE TOILET AND RUN IN PLACE WHILE ON THE TOILET
Derek: YES IT IS POSSIBLE
Derek: TRY IT NOW
Derek: HUM THE THEME TO ROCKY WHILE YOU DO IT
Ines: I am scared now.
Derek: I AM THE LORD

Derek: I once ejaculated into a girl's bellybutton... and, ok, and this isn't a joke sadly...
Derek: I said, "Hahaha, you were boarded by naval seamen"

Derek: You should totally moonpie her.
Random Internet Girl: I'm almost afraid to ask what the verb "to moonpie" signifies.
Derek: I invented it.
Random Internet Guy: I tried looking it on the wiki, but it's just some dessert?
Derek: It's like a creampie, except instead of ejaculating in the vagina, you put your butthole up against it and poop into the crater hole.
Derek: Involves mooning, brown and smeary like a moonpie, and so delightfully delicious.
Derek: It's the dessert of sex acts, yes, since it "comes in the end..." of the main course.
Derek: What would you do for a Klondike bar, motherfucker?

Courtney: Derek: i wanted bambi, and the female squirrel from sword in the stone
Derek: Sadly that wasn't a joke
Derek: I still get sort of sad when he rejects the squirrel who really loves him
Courtney: bambi was a boy
Derek: Like , maybe more than sort of sad
Derek: WHAT?
Derek: .......
Courtney: he grew into a stag
Derek: OH M 
Derek: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PART
Derek: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Courtney: dude
Derek: ........ oh
Derek: oh god
Courtney: hahahahhaa
Derek: wtof
Derek: wwwwwtttttttfffffffffffffff
Courtney: you should append this log with the lastcouple dozen lines here
Derek: But I remember bambi having a pink bow in its hair or something?
Derek: bambi didnt hvae a pink bow?!?!!?
Derek: TEN YRS LATER.... 
Courtney: bambi was a boy
Courtney: no
Derek: seriously, well then maybe there was some OTHER deer that had a pink bow? a .... girldeer?
Courtney: how would bambi have a bow anywhere
Derek: ON ITS HEAD
Derek: ON ITS HEADFUR
Derek: oh god wtf
Derek: Seriously, I think of Bambi and it has a tiny pink bow
Derek: I just right now dont even know what to say
Courtney: bambi had a butterfuly on him sometimes
Derek: IT HAS LONG EYELASHES
Derek: HOW CAN IT BE A GUY
Courtney: THERE IS NO PINK BOW
Courtney: YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS PLANTED THE BOW
Derek: maybe i'm thinking of the butterfly
Derek: holy fucking shit
Derek: I'm twenty six fucking years old
Courtney: I demand you add this to the log.
Derek: I will
Derek: but right now,  holy shit
Derek: I have my entire life referred to Bambi as a girl
Derek: NOBODY said otherwise
Courtney: LOL
Derek: Yeah, I must have made the butterfly on the head into a bow
Derek: holy shit, nobody told me
Courtney: suuuure
Derek: They just let me keep right on being gay for a deer
Courtney: lol
Derek: I hate everyone
more!
log of a very sleepy derek accidentally high on 10-years expired cough syrup